Living Memory
by miss-blanche
Summary: When the unthinkable happens, Edward is propelled into parenthood alone. Abiding by a promise he never though he’d have to keep, he struggles to keep a level head and to remain a good Father to Renesmee. An AU continuation of Breaking Dawn.
1. Loss

**A/N I think I must be obsessed with Angst!Edward. This idea kind of popped into my head today in the midst of a 12 on the pain scale migraine. Which is convenient because we all know what computer screens do to migraines. I consider it a small miracle that I'm actually alive posting this right now. lol Anyway, I'm not sure how long this is going to be yet. I have it mapped out in my head which is another small miracle because I think my brain has cleared out everything to make space for pain. Nice. lol Anwyay, enjoy :)

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**Chapter One - Loss **

"I need to get out of here."

The words came from Jasper and they were the first that had been spoken in the Cullen household for a full twenty six hours.

Alice looked to him – her expression torn between grief, loyalty and guilt.

"How can you leave?" Rosalie demanded. Her hands were shaking and she was glancing between the kitchen and her husband who was seated next to her – his head in his hands; "That'd make everything worse."

"Rosalie, do you think Jasper can bear it. Bear… All _our_ grief, plus…" Carlisle's words tapered off as he glanced upstairs.

Esme covered her mouth and a loud sob escaped her lips. Her golden eyes were screwed up, as if she was willing them to produce tears. "I can hardly bear it! Imagine having to feel Edward's pain as well."

Jasper leapt out of his seat then and walked to the window his fist clenching and unclenching.

"Stay Alice." He choked. He could feel her indecision – her pain derived from trying to choose between joining him and staying for Edward. "I'll be fine once I get out of here… Away from him."

She closed her eyes and nodded once.

He was gone then. It took a seventh of a second and he was flying through the forest at impossible speeds. Escaping the loos.

"We need to call Charlie." Carlisle said as another moment of silence passed. No one had noticed its unusual presence – after twenty six hours of the same thing they were all fairly used to it. Glad for it.

Alice nodded. Her eyes were still closed.

"What about…?" This unfinished question came from one person who hadn't spoken yet. Jacob emerged from his curled position beside the couch – red faced and teary eyed. Each Cullen resented him; he was able to cry. To release his pain in some physical form.

He swallowed thickly; "What about Renesmee?"

"She's fine." Emmett said, resentment thick in his voice.

"It's not her fault." Rosalie growled, silencing Jacob whose mouth was opened ready to defend the infant.

"No you're right." Emmett's head snapped up; "It's yours. You're the one who convinced Bella – stupidly – to keep her. You knew it would end badly. We all did. But we couldn't do anything."

"I didn't see you objecting to my actions!" She snapped, standing; "Bella wanted it too."

"Bella doesn't…" Emmett stopped his eyes widening at the mistake. He bowed his head once more, rubbing his forehead with one of his massive hands – whiter than it usually was with the tension.

Jacob turned away again, tears streaming down his face. "How long?"

Nobody needed for him to elaborate. His gaze was fixed on the stairs.

"We'll only know that if you and the baby get out of the house." Alice said. It was a harsh sentence but there was no harshness in her tone. Only misery.

"Well I need to go to La Push anyway." Jacob choked, looking out the window at where Leah or Seth were most likely circling, "Tell them."

"Do you think we could tell Charlie first?" Rosalie asked, her voice thick with irony.

Jacob thought for a moment; "I forgot… Yeah. Yeah I'll wait."

"I still need him out the house to tell what he's going to do." Alice said calmly, her voice pained. "God knows what he's capable of. Last time he went off to the Volturi."

"Last time he didn't have a daughter." Rosalie muttered.

"I don't think its likely that he's going to be thinking that logically." Carlisle said softly; "That might come to him later. But now, he'd still be in shock."

"I've got nowhere to go." Jacob said hopelessly; "I can't go outside without telling Lear and Seth and they'll want to tell Sue and then…"

"And Renesmee shouldn't leave the house." Rosalie said quickly; "She might help Edward."

Emmett made a sound of disgust and stood; folding his arms and purposely turning away from her.

"She might." Rosalie said indignantly. "She's his daughter."

"So you'll use Renesmee just like you used Bella." Emmett snapped, turning on her his face twisted in agony. Rosalie opened her mouth to respond but Carlisle beat her to it.

"Not now." He said calmly, but with effective authority; "Alice, how far away do you need to be to see?"

"A few miles would be best." She sighed, and without further conversation she stood and hurried out in the same direction Jasper had gone. On her way she said over her shoulder; "Jacob, get Leah and Seth to go east. Do it in human form."

Jacob nodded and headed out after her.

"Emmett perhaps you could…?" Carlisle issued the stairs.

Emmett shook his head; "I'm not in a good shape. I'd just make things worse. He'd be able to read my misery. I'd just… I'd… It'd just be worse." He said simply.

"I could go…" Rosalie began but Emmett cut her off with more angry words.

"As if he wants to talk to the person responsible for his wife's death."

Esme stood quickly. "I'll go. Should I take Renesmee with me…?"

Carlisle shook his head; "We don't know how he's going to react yet. Maybe we should wait until Alice gets back."

As if on cue Alice appeared in the living room once more, her face pinched in panic.

"Rosalie. Go." She said simply.

Rosalie appraised her expression, took one second to evaluate the danger and then sped out the door heading east.

Alice took another breath, seemingly calm now that a potential victim of Edward's grief and blame was out of the house. She looked to Esme; "It's best when you go in. Emmett makes things worse because… Well Rosalie." She seemed to struggle with her words; "And he doesn't react well to Carlisle either. And eventually I'll come up with Renesmee. He can't know about Jacob yet. Jacob is going to have to stay away for a while."

Carlisle nodded but Esme seemed to be fixed on the spot; "What do I say to him?" She whispered.

"You'll know." Alice said softly before approaching Emmett and putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Esme nodded; determined. She took a deep breath and ascended the stairs at human speed, trying to think of anything remotely helpful.

She came to the door. She shuddered slightly; it was as if the room was emitting an aura of silence. As if death had blanketed the room and separated it from the world permanently.

And as if to contradict it, she pushed open the door.

She tried not to look at Bella's ravaged body lying motionless on the hospital bed. The scent of her blood no longer floral and irresistible filled the room now smelling old and decayed. Her white skin almost matched the marble colour of the rest of the family. Esme couldn't contain the single sob that racked her chest.

The sound didn't arouse any movement in the unmoving figure leaning against the window sill. His shirt sleeves, rolled to the elbow were spatted with blood and Esme could imagine the front of his shirt. Imagine the reminder.

She could see him shaking his head. She wondered if it was in contradiction to her thoughts or just some memory he had. Perhaps he hadn't noticed her at all.

"I wish that were the case."

She jumped slightly. His voice was hoarse – dead sounding.

"I wish." He said again.

She approached him softly. Battling inwardly whether to put a hand on his shoulder.

"I know it's ineffectual." She whispered; "But I'm sorry."

He didn't move for a moment. Maybe absorbing the words? But finally he nodded. Once. And it was only a slight inclination of the head.

There were so many things she wanted to ask. She knew of course that simply by thinking them she was asking them so she tried to think of other things. Distract herself from the quantity and the curiosity. But there was one that escaped her grasp; something her maternal instinct refused to let go.

_Are you going to the Volturi again?_

Again it took a moment fro him to react and even then it was only a whisper of a reaction.

"I don't know." He said quietly.

_Don't. _She tried to silence her Mothering voice but it refused to listen – breaking through her carefully placed façade in desperation.

"I don't know what else to do." He said almost as if he was talking to himself; "And yet, I can't do that either."

He ran his head up the length of the window sill.

"I can't…"

She rushed forward then and placed her hand on his shoulder. She half expected him to tear it off and throw her from the room.

"You think me a monster?" He asked; it was barely audible.

"I think grief can make us one." She said gripping it tighter.

He thought for a moment before replying – again in a hoarse whisper; "You're right. I am a monster. Look at what I did…"

He half turned, almost as if to issue the bed holding Bella's body but he couldn't fully turn to face it. He made a few more feeble attempts before giving up.

"I can't look at her." He choked; "But I can't leave this room. If I leave this room I'll never see her again. It's unfathomable. Impossible. Impossible that I could exist in a world where she doesn't."

"If I don't look at her." He continued, swallowing slightly; "It's like, she's in this room but she's not… She's not like she is."

His knees buckled then. Esme's hand fell with his shoulders. His head was in his hands and his body was heaving with loud sobs that didn't accompany tears. Esme sank down next to him and wrapped her arms around him – rocking back and forth. Sobs escaped her too, though she tried to hold them back. She tried her hardest to ignore the grief because as soon as she thought about it she knew Edward would think about it too. She couldn't bear intensifying his grief but she couldn't leave him either. Why did her son have to endure this? Why did such awful things have to happen to someone so _good_?

She thought for a moment about whether it would be alright to mention Renesmee. But of course she only remembered too late that Edward would hear her thoughts before she could reach a decision on whether to voice them or not.

"She's healthy," she added audibly, trying to be quick; "Strong."

She winced at the word. She tried not to think that the evidence of her Granddaughter's strength was lying on the bed behind them.

"Evidence of your son's monstrous nature." Edward added darkly through his sobs.

"It's not your fault Edward." She said desperately; "You're good. Pure. That's all you've ever been. You didn't know this would happen. You couldn't stop her. It would have been wrong to stop her."

"If I'd… Worked more quickly. If I hadn't been distracted by… by her." He struggled to acknowledge his daughter; "Then I might have saved her in time. The venom may have had an effect. I was too slow. And Jacob was too slow. And Rosalie's attack made everything harder."

At the mention of Rosalie Edward stood in fury; "Where is she?? SHE'S the one to blame for it all. SHE was the one who deluded Bella in the first place!"

He made to turn but remembered that Bella's corpse was behind him. He shuddered and made for the window instead.

"She's gone Edward." Esme said quickly, grabbing him by the shoulder again.

They stood motionless for a moment before Edward guessed; "Alice?"

Esme nodded, tight lipped. "Don't blame her Edward. She knew you'd do something to Rosalie that you'd regret."

"I wouldn't regret it." He growled.

"Think of Emmett." Esme suggested; "He's almost as bad as Alice right now. Don't make his grief worse."

"Perhaps I'll just kill him then." Edward muttered vindictively, "Show Rosalie what it's like to lose a mate."

Esme shook her head; "You wouldn't do that. Emmett's your brother. He loves you. He loved Bella."

Edward though about this for a moment and finally nodded. Esme quickly tried to return to what she needed to say desperately.

"Don't blame you efforts." She said, "You did your best. You saved Renesmee. If you couldn't have saved Bella, no one would have."

"I could have saved her in the beginning." He moaned; "I could have stayed away. I should never have come back to Forks."

"And made her so miserable?" Esme said; "She was lost without you. You gave her everything she wanted. You. Your marriage and a child she died to protect. How could you possibly blame yourself?"

"Because if she was having Jacob's child what would have been the worst thing that happened? They didn't get to the hospital on time? She would have been fine… Alive…" He dropped to his knees again. Esme fell with him rubbing his shoulder comfortingly.

"She didn't want Jacob. She wanted you. She got you. She got everything she desired and needed. I know what it's like to lose a child Edward. Death is nothing when your child is alive. Just like life is nothing when your child is dead. It doesn't exist. It has no meaning. If she had aborted that child your love wouldn't have redeemed her."

He didn't respond to that. He simply stared out the window, his eyes as black and as bleak as the entire world seemed.

They remained that way. Kneeling, she with her hand on his shoulder, and he looking out the window. Past the trees and the sky and beyond, further into nothingness.

Night had fallen before either of them spoke. It was Edward who opened the discussion, bowing his head.

"Do you know what I promised her?"

Esme turned to him in concern; "What?"

"That I'd look after Renesmee. If anything happened to her… I promised her I wouldn't… Go with her."

Esme let another sob escape her lips – in gratitude or grief she didn't know – and leaned her head against his shoulder.

"I don't think… I could leave Renesmee." His voice sounded amazed, "But where does that leave me? Because I can't remain here without Bella either."

He choked.

"Where does that leave me?"

She wrapped her arms around him again. Maybe if she held him tight enough she could pull him back together. She couldn't bear this pain for her son.

"With us Edward. We love you. We all need you. And she needs you as well."

Unwelcome, a joke bounced around in her head. _We can't let Rosalie raise her alone can we?_

Edward growled, despite knowing Esme's humorous intent.

"I can't forgive her." He spat; "I never will. I'll forgive myself before I forgive her."

"She was the only thing that kept Renesmee alive. She made sure Bella's last few weeks were the ones she wanted. Think of how unhappy Bella would have been if you had forced her to get rid of the baby."

"Rosalie didn't do it for Bella." He growled again; "She did it for herself."

Esme didn't reply. There was nothing to be said. He was right, of course. She loved Rosalie, but that didn't lessen her mistake or her wrong doing.

"Thank you." Edward said quietly.

A knock came from the other side of the door.

"Carlisle?" Esme inquired.

"Alice." Edward and Alice answered at the same time.

Esme looked back at him, silently asking if it was alright for her to enter. He nodded once but didn't turn towards the door.

The door creaked open slowly. Alice didn't look at Bella, pointedly keeping her eyes trained on Edward's back.

"Renesmee is awake."

"Don't bring her up here." Esme said quickly, focusing on the bed.

Alice shook her head – the movement looked too awkward for it to be free of hysteria. "She wants you Edward."

The silence Esme had felt before entering seemed to return and envelop them all. She gripped Edward harder now. There was nothing else she could do. The situation had rendered her useless.

"No it hasn't." He choked. He swallowed, a lump sliding down his white throat, "I can't leave her Alice."

"Renesmee needs you more." She said softly in reply.

He stood in a swift movement, still facing the window but obviously itching to confront Alice head on. "I need to stay here! If I leave… I'm not sure if I'll be able to stop myself getting on a plane to Italy."

Both Esme and Alice shuddered together.

Silence crept into the room again. It was stifling in nature and almost hurt Esme's ears. Where did it come from? Why had this happened?

And then as if it was designed to cut the silence like the sharp blade of a knife, a babies' cry rang through the air.

Everything was loud. Carlisle pacing downstairs. Emmett trying to shush the infant child, Jacob crying outside, contemplating fazing.

Edward's pain multiplied in intensity.

Another cry reached their ears. This one more desperate. Her crying was forming a pattern of hiccups and gurgles – flowing freely through the house.

A white hand with long fingers reached up and banged the wall.

The crying stopped for a moment before returning this time louder and more demanding. This crying spoke of an endurance. It wasn't going to stop until the one doing it had what she wanted. Needed.

"Could you both give me some time?" Edward asked through gritted teeth. "I need some time."

They both nodded at the same time. Esme hesitantly stepped away, but she changed her mind a half stride from him and turned to kiss him on the cheek. Alice shot him a brief and very pained hesitant smile before turning and stepping out of the room.

The absence of his mother and Sister seemed to allow the silence better access to the room, but Edward could still hear the cries of his daughter below. They seemed to intensify the worry in his chest each time. It was like waiting for a phone to ring out. He could feel the tension building in his chest.

He didn't think it was possible, but eventually he curled his hands into fists and turned.

He looked past her fatal wounds, past her open belly, past the blood spattered sheets and finally up into her angelic face. She didn't look troubled or pained as he would have imagined her to look after such a brutal death. Her expression was peaceful. Happy almost. He could remember the expression from her last moments alive – she had seen Renesmee. Has seen him holding Renesmee.

His legs shook with each step towards her. It should have been impossible. His legs were moving when they should have refused to. His gaze was level when it should have been faltering. His will to live was strengthening with each cry when it should have been diminishing.

Yet the pain was unimaginable. Unbearable. In the same breath he couldn't understand it – because how could Bella not exist? How could there be this pain at Bella's death when Bella's death was impossible? Unimaginable?

He reached the side of the bed and remembered his promise.

"_Don't let her grow up without knowing either of us. Stay. Promise to stay." She grasped at his hand, her large brown eyes never leaving his golden ones._

"_Bella this is ridiculous. Carlisle will…"_

"_Please." She insisted._

_He thought of the tiny being growing underneath her soft flesh. The happiness it felt when he was near…_

"_I promise." He said._

He leaned down carefully and stroked the side of her face. The grief in his chest screamed, slashing apart his insides. He used his other hand to wrap around his chest. Letting a stray sob loose he bent down and laid a gentle kiss on her smooth forehead.

"I love you." He whispered.

He looked at her loving face one last time before escaping out the door and away from the silence with inhuman speed; increasing as his desperation grew. He tore down the stairs, the grief slashing apart at him the whole while. He skidded to a halt in the living room before whirring past a shocked Emmett and Carlisle and into the kitchen where the cries were originating.

There was a crib there, beside the bench. Edward didn't think to wonder about her placement and he didn't care. He simply walked to the crib and reached out blindly.

Chocolate brown eyes found his.

The grief increased – this beautiful baby in his arms was the daughter Bella had died to save – but so did the room in his chest for love. For a moment he found he was almost forgiving himself – he had made this creature. Her bronze curls belonged to him. The curve of her lips, the shape of her eyes, the shape of her face, her toes and fingers, all _his_. But there was Bella there too. Fierce in its abundance. Her eyes were the most obvious. Brown. The prettiest brown he'd ever seen.

He resisted the urge to collapse and instead pressed his shaking lips to her forehead. He could feel the grief accumulating in her thoughts. Somehow miraculously she understood. She realised Mommy was never going to hold her, or satisfy her need for love. He closed his eyes and leaned towards her carefully.

He was surprised when he felt a hot hand on his cheek.

His eyes opened in surprise at what he was seeing.

His face – devastated and almost unrecognisable in that devastation – but also her need to rid him of that devastation. He could feel her own grief but she was more worried for him. She loved him so much she didn't care for her own grief. The loss of her mother.

_So selfless. _He thought.

He pressed his lips to her forehead again.

"My precious living memory." He choked.

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**I would really appreciate reviews. Even viruses sent on Bella's behalf. :) A Cullen vampire of choice is up for grabs for those who do review ;)**


	2. Medicine

**A/N This was actually easier than I thought it would be. I imagined sitting at the computer for hours going – NOW WHAT? I know how it ends but unfortunately I haven't clarified the middle yet. I'd also like to thank all my reviewers, a lot of whom I didn't get round to thanking. I am so sorry! I've had the worst week imaginable and I haven't actually been on the computer until today (and I don't have great internet… oy) so thank you!!! Every single one was appreciated!!! :) And I should be able to reply now because I'm getting wireless at my flat! Woo! :D**

**Just for interest, my muse (or muses? lol) for this chapter were the two songs: Medicine, by Birds of Tokyo, and Walking On A Dream by Empire of the Sun. Just a sliver of trivia before the actual chapter J The first one got me through the first half and the second through the second. They're awesome songs so if you have the time and limewire, check them out!**

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**Chapter Two – Medicine**

He hoped to God that there were no other cars on the short stretch of highway between Forks and the Cullen driveway.

He was speeding of course, that was nothing new, but his attention was not focused on where in the road the car was situated and he was sure that before long he was going to have a head on with a car-full of unsuspecting humans.

Humans who could die so easily. He could imagine them now; casually travelling along at seventy miles an hour and then stopped in an instant. Such a large change in momentum in so little time. Organs smashed against rib cages as the result of inertia. Brains mashed against skulls. He closed his eyes as his throat struggled to contain a sob.

Renesmee was beside him; strapped into the passenger seat so tight he was sure not even he could be as much protection as the seat belt. She was contemplative, quiet. So unlike a month old baby. Her bronze curls bounced frequently as the high speed was sensitive to even the slightest of bumps on the road.

_Stop the car._

His eyes snapped open, a growl slipping past his clenched teeth. Renesmee glanced up, her angel face worried. Trying to avoid her glance and the consequent raised hand, he pressed his foot harder on the accelerator. He didn't bother to glance at the speedometer.

_You're being an arse._

Another growl; mainly the result of the insult, but also slightly due to the fact his foot was now literally pressed to the floor and the Volvo wasn't going any faster.

_Fuck it Edward, pull over._

He resisted the urge to slam hard on the brakes and scream; "OR WHAT?"

Renesmee glanced behind him, sensing his distress. He wanted to stop her from doing that – maybe tighten her already air constricting seat belt so she couldn't see who was trying to stop their escape.

He knew as soon as she realised. Her thoughts were insistent and desperate; wanting the person in the car behind them so badly it almost physically hurt.

It was that in the end that made Edward ease his foot off the accelerator and onto the brake bringing the car to an easy stop on the side of the road.

He didn't bother unstrapping Renesmee, already too angry by how impossible it was for him to ignore her needs.

The Mercedes came to a less steady stop behind the Volvo, squelching a little in the mud. Its occupant slid out at inhuman speed, approaching Edward in overly exaggerated intimidating movements.

"What do you think you're doing?" Jacob roared.

"What business is it to you what I do?" Edward snapped; "I'm in my own right to go anywhere I like."

"I don't begrudge you that. I meant, what are you doing taking _her_ with you?"

Edward's fist clenched and unclenched. On top of everything, _on top of everything_, Jacob thought he had a claim on Renesmee already?

"You may have imprinted on her but don't think for one minute that you're going to get her before she's anywhere near ready dog."

"I don't think that!" Jacob shouted in response his hands waving, "Of course I don't! You can freaking see I don't!"

"Then what?" Edward's tone turned from acidic to apathetic. It didn't matter what he wanted. If Jacob was really intent on stopping them it'd turn into a fight. And he would win it and continue on his trip with Renesmee as planned.

"Have you thought about what taking her away does to her?"

_Thought about it?_

More like obsessed over it.

The funeral hadn't been as hard as he was expecting. He had expected that to be the final factor. The one thing that would cement Bella's non existence into his heart. Instead it had been the beginning of what was now like a perpetual finality. Every moment was filled with another reminder that she was gone forever. No, the funeral aftermath was exponentially worse than the funeral.

The worst part though was that, even in her infancy, Renesmee could see the pain caused by those reminders. Edward hated seeing his own grief stricken face in her thoughts and the increase in her grief because of it. She had been the one to suggest it in the first place, reaching her tiny hand up to touch his face and showing him the image of just he and her, sitting together at a piano stool playing a dulcet melody as life commenced around them. She didn't know the word for city but he could infer from the business around them that that's what she had meant.

There had been pain at that thought too. She hated the thought of leaving Aunty Rosalie – couldn't bear the thought of leaving Jacob. But seeing his anguish had been impossible for her to comprehend.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and said quietly; "This is the only way I can… Jacob and if I don't…"

He struggled. What was he trying to say? What was the expression? If he didn't deal with it? That barely covered the summarised version of what he was trying so fruitlessly to do.

"If I don't cope, then she won't either." He choked the words out.

Jacob's mouth formed an O as an understanding formed in his mind. It was in that second that the thought sprang to his mind and Edward lifted his head in horror and anger.

"No."

_Please?_

Edward's eyes were black as he spat the words out between his teeth; "That's not going to happen."

_I can live by myself close by. I wouldn't be around twenty four seven. Just enough that I could watch over her too. I can't leave her now, it's impossible. And you can't stay, so I only see one feasible option._

"Except it's not feasible." He hissed, "Now return that car to Carlisle and get back to La Push before I do something I'll regret."

There were no traces of mockery in Jacob's thought as he considered Edward's threat. He could see from his expression – his burning man expression – that there was only truth behind it.

_I don't expect you to understand but you're just going to have to make me into road kill because I'm not going anywhere._

He closed his eyes then and thought of the strength of the connection between he and Renesmee. He thought about how he knew before she did when she was ready to sleep, eat and be placed on ground. How her tiny hand wrapped exactly around his pinkie finger like it was meant for nothing else. How he couldn't lose her – not now, and not ever.

The burning man moaned. "Please don't make it any more difficult Jacob."

Jacob bowed his head. _I'm trying. You know that. I wish it was different. If it was, I could go home. I could turn around. But she's mine too, and neither of us can change that._

Edward's hands balled into fists as he grasped at his hair desperately. Jacob was being more difficult than his family had been.

_"You can't leave!" Rosalie yelled, her beautiful face contorted in pain. She turned to her husband who was leaning against the window sill his eyebrows furrowed in some indistinguishable emotion._

_"If he has to leave he has to leave." Emmett said quietly._

_Alice, whose pixie features formed an expression of sadness and emptiness, raised her head to speak; "Leave Edward. It's…. Better if you do."_

_His dark eyes met hers for a moment as he saw what she saw. That silent exchange finalised his plans; now he was determined._

_Rosalie glanced around at the rest of the family; her thoughts were desperate but tinged with anger. _

_How could they let him go? She screamed inwardly._

_Half an hour later every possession he owned that was of any importance to him was piled into the Volvo. Rosalie who still protested the idea was sulking inside. Edward hardly cared. He hadn't spoken to her for a month. He wasn't sure if he ever would again and that thought didn't bother him either. Renesmee was sad though; she liked Aunty Rosalie and couldn't understand her Father's anger._

_Alice didn't linger outside long, she simply gave a curt nod in their direction and disappeared inside. Emmett followed her soon after, caressing his niece's cheek softly before offering Edward a grim grin and turning away._

_Esme tried to smile at Renesmee but faltered and let a few sobs loose._

_She hugged them both, whispering in Edward's ear the simple phrase; "Come back." She drew away and tried to give them a smile before she turned obviously trying to fight away her sorrow._

_Carlisle's face like Emmett's was contorted in pain; "I wish it didn't have to be like this."_

_Edward nodded._

_"You will come back son?"_

_Edward nodded again. Like Alice he was sure that it would not be the last time they saw each other._

_"Then it's only right you leave now." Carlisle sighed; "I'll keep up with my research of course, and we'll all continue searching for answers."_

_He was talking about Renesmee's nature now of course. Edward closed his eyes. He didn't want to think of the results of her half breed status. He didn't want to know how short her life span was. His vampire mind had no trouble calculating the time it would take before she would reach adult hood and beyond. Even taking into account the minor decrease in her growth each day it was a simple exponential equation. _

_Seven years until adult hood._

_Carlisle argued that because her rate of growth was slowing that it would never stop slowing. That while she continued to grow eventually it would be so slow that it would be too difficult to detect. Eventually her growth would be physically non existent. It would take thousands of years for her to even show a day of her age. _

_Edward argued that that was a perfectly valid theory except how old would she be physically before her growth was physically non existent? Fifty? Sixty? Eighty? He didn't want to imagine her living an eternity as a geriatric half vampire. The thought would have made him laugh if it wasn't so serious._

_"We'll be in contact with you if we uncover anything. But we'll only disturb you to cease your worrying… We won't intrude."_

_"In simple terms, you don't expect me to call back." Edward forced a dark smile._

_Carlisle smiled; "Yes."_

_Edward nodded and slid into the car and idled out of the driveway. He didn't know where he and Renesmee were going but as soon as they were on the highway he was going to speed there._

_A flash of blonde hair made him slam his foot on the brake. Rosalie was at Renesmee's window._

_Her expression was pleading and Edward's was murderous. _

_I'm not trying to stop you._

_Her thoughts were honest, Edward could see. He wound down the passenger side window, gritting his teeth harder with each inch the window slid._

_Rosalie didn't bother glancing his way – she knew it was ineffectual, he was too angry – instead she only looked at Renesmee stroking her cheek softly. _

_"I want you to have this," She said slipping a leather bound book into Renesmee's lap. A photo album._

_Renesmee placed a small hand against Rosalie's face, a tear rolling down her ruby cheek._

_Rosalie nodded, grasping the hand with her own; "I love you too." _

_She blew them both a kiss before Edward rolled the window up and forgot about trying to go slow on the undergrowth hidden drive way._

Jacob looked at him pleadingly. Edward could see that he would follow them anyway. The only way he could possibly stop Jacob was by fighting him. And that would upset Renesmee so much…

He shuddered at the thought of hurting his daughter that badly.

"Please Jacob… Just…"

But he couldn't say it. Jacob was hoping beyond hope that he wouldn't ask that question. Jacob didn't want to deny him what he wanted so badly, but of course he would because he couldn't leave Renesmee.

And Edward could hear Renesmee's thoughts now only too clearly. She wanted Jacob badly. So badly that it almost reminded him of how he had felt about…

He nodded.

* * *

Seattle had not been the first place he'd imagined. Originally, his thoughts had been trained towards Chicago which surprised him; in all his immortal life he had not been drawn back to his human home. He mused that the longing was probably the result of his totally unbearably human feelings overwhelming his decision.

Seattle, he realised, was more practical in the short term. It was rainy a great deal of the time, much closer to Forks than Chicago (it was in the same state which was a plus) and thus Renesmee felt more at home. Her thoughts on entering the city had been happier and more content than they had ever been in her short life.

Her contentment made him feel lighter. No less despairing than he would ever be, but lighter. And that was what made him turn into the first hotel he came across. It was almost midnight and he could sense that Renesmee was close to sleep.

Jacob was right behind him of course, eager to see how Renesmee was coping in this new environment. Edward wasn't in the mood to deal with him yet though, encircling his precious daughter in his arms and shooting him a warning look.

_I know… I'll give you as much space as you need._

And with that Jacob disappeared into the hotel before Edward, leaving him in the cool night air murmuring to his daughter softly.

She was very tired. He could sense it in her thoughts but he could also sense that she didn't want to let on that she was tired. Her large brown eyes would droop in fatigue before she would realise what she was doing and open them wide in defiance.

"Sleep." He whispered placing a kiss on her forehead.

Her brown eyes were anxiety stricken then. It reminded him so much of Bella that he had to turn away for a moment to regain his composure.

He felt her warm hand against his cheek. She was frightened that if she went to sleep he couldn't be there when she woke up.

He shook his head placing another kiss on her forehead. It struck him then that Bella's lullaby might have the same soothing effect on their daughter. He tried not to remember how long it had been since he'd sung that song and hummed softly in her ear.

It didn't take long before her eyelids gave in to the melody and her breathing became slower and calmer. He could hardly contemplate how something so beautiful and precious belonged to him. Just like her mother, beautiful in her delicateness and softness.

He carried her carefully into the reception area. Jacob was nowhere to be seen, obviously having booked a room and gone off to rest for the night. Edward didn't even think to wonder where he had got the money for a hotel. Savings?

He hadn't given much thought to the amount of money he'd taken from the household before leaving; it hadn't really mattered. He had enough to keep himself and Renesmee for a century. He thought grudgingly that he would probably have to help Jacob financially. It was then of course that Jacob's face popped into Renesmee's dreams and the grudging trace to his thoughts disappeared.

"Room for two?" The receptionist asked politely.

He looked up; she was a pleasant faced lady with long curly blonde hair. She reminded him somewhat of Rosalie (if it was even possible for a human to resemble Rosalie in any way.) Perhaps it was the adoring expression she had watching Renesmee sleep.

"One." He corrected.

She nodded and handed him a key.

The room was elegantly furnished but Edward didn't bother turning on the light to inspect it further – with his vision he could see it was a nice room and he didn't want to wake Renesmee. He laid her carefully on the single bed placed in the centre of the room and gently pulled the blankets around her. Though she probably couldn't feel it, it was a chilly night and he wanted to make sure she slept soundly.

It was only then that he really began to notice his thirst. He hadn't fed since…

He bowed his head and tried to swallow the venom that rushed to his mouth at the thought of it. So far away from his family with only one single precious memory of Bella lying asleep on the bed, it was more difficult to ignore the burn.

Perhaps he could slip out for a few hours? It wouldn't take long to escape the city limits and find vegetation fit for animals.

He crossed the room and took one last look at Renesmee.

Her face was so peaceful. He could see the images in her head as she dreamed. Rosalie appeared a lot, along with Jacob. But it was the image of he and she sitting at the piano stool that made him stop. The image had changed now; they were in a simple room with wooden floors and white walls – similar to that of the Cullen house. It looked a lot like an art studio except there was no art work on the walls and the only item in the room was the piano and its stool. There was a massive window set in the wall that over looked a great deal of the city and in her dream glassy rain drops were streaming down it.

He could hear the tune in her thoughts as he played – it was the lullaby.

It was not happiness that filled him in that moment, but it was a beautiful emotion whatever it was. Unnamed and disarming.

He stood there for a long time, enjoying the moment, letting his senses absorb the new surroundings.

And with one last contented look at Renesmee he opened the door quietly and started running.

* * *

**So... I don't suppose anyone would be interested in either angst!Edward or Passionate!Jacob? For reviews? Which I promise I will reply to... *is ashamed of self for despicable lack of replies in past* :)**


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